And now....
TO THE OFFICER:
We see you.
Each and every day, we wait for you to come home to us. The sound of your child's feet dancing around blend with the pounding of dog paws as they wait patiently by the door for your silhouette to appear.
The smell of a home-cooked meal, the hum of the television, and the warmth of a stove come at you all at once when you turn that doorknob. "Daddy! Daddy! Woof-woof! Daddy! Honey! Hey, Handsome! Glad you're home! Get that uniform off and come sit down for dinner. I made something new tonight, so we will see what you think. How was your day? What's with you getting home so late? Was it that rough out there? Your babies have missed you. I've missed you...."
It's all enough and it's all too much....all at the same time. The sweat under your vest is suddenly more noticeable than before, and when did polyester become THIS uncomfortable? These boots are heavy...this duty belt is almost unbearable. Or....is it your thoughts that are unbearable?
"As your spouse, I see the tiredness in your eyes that cannot be fixed by sleep. What have those eyes seen today? Was it another call-to-call zoo extravaganza where you didn't even have time to call in all of the reports? Did you get a chance to grab lunch, or did you function on a small bag of peanuts and a Monster drink again? This would make 5 times this month if that's what happened. We've got to fix that....I.HAVE.TO.FIX.THAT. I can't let you function on so little while I sit here and have so much. Even if I work and 8-5 job or I'm a stay-at-home momma, it's not acceptable for my man to not have what he needs 100% of the time...
Can we talk? How was your day? Are you okay? Are you sure? Are you just tired? Can I have your uniform so I can wash those pants for tomorrow? What happened to your name tag...did you break it again? My, my. I'll order some more. Wow, that vest STINKS. Let me febreze it really quickly while you find something more comfortable to wear. The kids have missed you, and one needs help with homework while another needs help practicing baseball. I'm sure you have enough energy for that, right? How long does it take you to decompress, I mean, really...After all, you're saving the world, one call at a time. You're a superhero. What else would you honestly want to do?"
It's not their fault.
They don't understand, and so-help-you, God, they'll never have to understand. They won't see the death, the abuse, the sickness, the drugs, the alcohol, the car wrecks, or the aftermath that you see.
They don't know the burden resting on your shoulders that doesn't disappear when you take the uniform off. You felt angry all day, but not at them. They weren't there when the 5th call came in for domestic violence. They will never have to see the pictures you took of that woman's face when that man was finished beating her. They won't smell the house you entered when the call came in about an elderly woman who had fallen...the poor woman living with 20 cats who have no litter box, and they are feeding on rat carcasses that line her hallway. They won't look in to the eyes of the small child you saved from the angry boyfriend who wanted her out of the way so he could spend more time with her mother....the child that looked like your own. How could someone be so cruel? How? Why?
It's not their fault. You're sweet spouse means well. They can't fix what's wrong with this world, but they can welcome you home every evening. They can't take away the nightmares, but they can help you realize your dreams of having that wonderful family you always wanted.
When the anger from so much injustice comes out, and you cannot contain what you feel any longer, remember what you're angry at. It's not a who, it's a WHAT.
It's not their fault.
You are what stands between evil and them. You are never off duty, you never get relieved, and you will always fight for them no matter what. Do your best to wipe away the sweat and tears of the day, and remember who is there for you. It's them. They love both you-the-cop and you-the-husband/father. They have your six, and you have theirs....always.
It's.Not.Their.Fault.
TO THE SPOUSE OF A LEO:
We see you.
In fact, you are the one thing that gives us meaning. You are the driving force, the other half, the only person who sees us when we are most vulnerable.
"Today was terrible. I don't know why I get up at the crack of dawn every day, wear this most uncomfortable uniform, and allow myself to be at everyone's beck and call...literally. I want justice for the children, justice for the injured, justice for the families torn apart by evil....yet, it never seems like justice prevails. I find myself calling in a report like a robot. If I accidentally let myself think about what has taken place in front of my very eyes, I might grow an emotion, and that would be deadly. I must see every situation from both sides. I play the devil's advocate well. I cannot rest a single second, because if/when I do, that's when I'm vulnerable and an easy target. I eat, sleep, and BREATHE protection. Everything I have hinges on my ability to be that superhero----the one you married, the one you trust, and the one you want. What if I fail you? What if I walk in some day and you've found someone else, because my decompression time wasn't fast enough for you?
I want to play with the kiddos, try your amazing new recipes, watch some television, and act like nothing is ever wrong in my universe, but I'm sorry. I just can't.
If I ask you to go on a walk with me, ride horses, take a ride in the truck, or sit on the back porch in silence and darkness, don't be offended, and please don't say you're "too busy or not interested." I'm decompressing WITH you. I'm trying to rid my mind, my soul, and my very being of the nastiness that is my reality.
I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sorry everything gets on my nerves. I'm sorry I need to rest. I'm sorry.....
Please don't give up on me. You are what I think about when things get tough. You are my reason for reason. Behind every good officer is his spouse...that person who makes his world a safe place...I must remember that! Deep down, I'm scared. What will happen to you when the End of Watch comes for me?"
It's not their fault.
They've done nothing but try to save the world. That, in itself, is too much for one man to accomplish in his lifetime. They see so much. They hear even more. The very essence of their humanity is shaken to the core day in and day out. They compare the women and children to their own. They see their mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers in each call that comes through. Their dinner table is the driver's seat of a patrol car with gadgets, radios, sirens, and guns all around. They are never off duty. You are on their minds 24/7, and they feel the need to protect you.
It's not their fault.
They may not have chosen this profession---it may have chosen them. When they proposed, they did not ask you to be there only when it was convenient, happy, and charming. YOU are there to pick him up when he falls down, remind him of who he is, and wipe away the tears when they can no longer be contained. They have your six, and you have theirs....always.
IT'S.NOT.THEIR.FAULT.
~Andy
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