There’s just one problem.
I have misplaced my Christmas spirit.
I’m sure it’s around here somewhere hiding behind a box of unpacked home decor or under one of my vintage side tables.
It went missing right after Thanksgiving, and I’m sad to report it’s been nearly impossible to coax it out of hiding.
I’m fully aware of what causes someone’s Christmas spirit to disappear. It could be such a thing as the death of a loved one...a dreaded diagnosis...a financial setback...loneliness...or simply just a humbug attitude about all things glittery, glitzy, or Godly.
I’ve seen the distress in too many eyes since becoming an adult. You simply can’t stay oblivious to peoples’ pain forever.
Unlike some, I know what made my Christmas spirit go MIA, and I’m going to be honest and open about it.
My oldest child, C1, moved out. It wasn’t the sweet, teary-eyed goodbye I’d dreamed about when she moves off to college, gets married, etc.
My darling C1 literally disappeared in the middle of the night.
She somehow decided we aren’t what she needs/wants right now.
You see, she was what I referred to as “my little best friend.” She was literally next to me day and evening. She had a great little job here, a car, very minimal bills...pretty much anything I thought a young lady could want. That changed one December night, and a note on her pillow was all she left in her room.
I’ve fought back anger, sadness, bitterness, and tears until I thought I might die. Nothing I could say or do changed her mind. She craved anonymity and space. She got it. She wants us to “just leave her alone.” We haven’t spoken in over a week, and it’s certainly not by my choice.
Even though my soul and heart are healing, my mind won’t follow suit.
Of course, I’ll climb out of this funk. My Christmas spirit will return, and our family of 4 (now) will carry on. We will celebrate all things Christmas and New Year’s as if nothing has changed. We will open presents and sing off tune to Christmas carols as we’ve done every year.
I do have a greater reason for sharing this other than to gain sympathy or prayers (although, I find myself asking for prayers instead of actual gifts this year).
My reason is simple: I want to shine light in to the darkness. If you or someone you know/love is suffering, recognize it. Do your best to be understanding, listen to the words they DON’T speak, and find ways to show them love and affection every minute possible. Try your best not to pass judgment. If you find yourself crying for them, that’s fine, but don’t make it all about you and your pain. Put on a positive face during your daily routine. Always be kind to those around you, because you never know what battles they’re fighting, and they don’t always know about yours.
Be thankful for family and good friends. Smile when a sweet memory makes its way in to your mind. Find within yourself the ability to give unconditional love.
Even though I wake up each morning greatly missing my C1, I’m okay. Even if God chooses not to move my mountains, it is well with my soul.
***And, C1, I know the real you, and I cherish YOU. And, maybe I’ll get the chance to wake up in the middle of the night and bake a blueberry pie with you again. I’ll let you make the fancy latticework top crust, though, being as I’m terrible at it. I’ll decorate that new rose gold tree and love the heck out of it, even though you thought I was crazy, and you rolled your eyes at it. I’ll even do your laundry again if you’ll let me. We love you***
~Andy
